Review : 'Sex and the City 2' (2010)

I loved watching Sex and the City as a young adult. I watched Carrie and the gang Jimmy Choo their way through almost 100 episodes of love, friendship and sex and then I watched the first film and felt the love, friendship and (less) sex all over again. These over-privileged women somehow manage to feel just like us, right?

Rest assured that I went in to Sex and the City 2 slightly unsure of where else the story could possibly go following the perfect Hollywood ending of the first, but a fan of the series nonetheless.

Sex and the City 2 was the worst film I saw in 2010 and may be one of the most obnoxious, offensive, unlikeable films I've ever seen. Gay? Muslim? Female? Male? Vaguely human? Prepare to be personally offended.

Poor Carrie Bradshaw. She married the man she was always meant to be with at the end of the first film and they moved to their wonderful perfect apartment (Mr Big is obviously head of Skynet to be able to afford it, but whatever). 2 years on and UGH he is so annoying! Isn't he Carrie! He just, like, eats Chinese food NOT OFF A PLATE and sits around and it's almost as if he's COMFORTABLE in his 12 YEAR RELATIONSHIP and doesn't feel like he CONSTANTLY HAS TO BE ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOUR. A low point is reached when Big buys Carrie (get this, the pig) a giant flatscreen TV. ARSEHOLE! Carrie, anguished, can't believe he hasn't bought her a piece of jewellery and just, like, can't take it any more. So she goes to take some time out. Does she go to a friend's house? Or just hang out in a cafe? Or go and stay with her parents? No. Not our Carrie. She goes to her old apartment. Yes, that's right, Carrie and Mr Big have their gigantic 5th Avenue palace AND Carrie's hip old apartment.

Meanwhile, Miranda finds that being a lawyer sucks. So she quits. Just like that. How will your family afford stuff like your mortgage and food and running a car and no doubt sending your child to private school and Magda's wages, Miranda? Oh, no need to worry about that? OK cool, thanks.

Charlotte has big problems. She doesn't work and has a full-time nanny for her 2 children. But the nanny couldn't stop one child getting a bit of food on her couture. CHARLOTTE YOU POOR BITCH! And as if that wasn't painful enough, the nanny is REALLY HOT!

Samantha is taking dog hormones or something in order to "trick my body in to feeling younger" and ward off the menopause. Miranda quips that she's tricking her body in to feeling thinner. OH HA HA HA HA HA coz all the Sex and the City girls aren't a SIZE 8!

The less said about the opening....skit?....involving a portrayal of a gay wedding as the sort of sketch that Kenny Everett would go, "no-one will buy this, it's a bit OTT" at, the better.

The girls all fly off to Abu Dhabi to get away from all the hardship in their lives and get to stay in suites that cost thousands of dollars a night, complete with manservant. Carrie's is PROPER BRITISH RESPECTED ACTOR Raza Jafri in a role which sees him as a man who only gets to see his wife every few months due to his low pay. Carrie then sees how spoilt she's been and feels terrible, realising that with all her wealth, nice husband and comfortable career she should be grateful and has a complete turnaround. OR does she just think "me and that Asian are both separated from our spouses *sigh* we're, like, the same"? Bingo.

Throw in a scene where Samantha shows how liberated she is by screaming "YES I HAVE SEX!" at some Muslims in the street who have dared to look at her because she ripped off her clothes and dropped condoms all over the floor (yes, really) and you have a repugnant waste of 2 and a half hours of my life. Here are some things I could have done in that time : had a singing lesson followed by some lunch....gone for a run and then taken some clothes and books down to a charity shop....written a couple of songs, recorded them and then uploaded them to YouTube...cut myself multiple times....written 10,000 more words on why Sex and the City 2 is a terrible, terrible film.

This is a sequel that remembered to put the original stars in the film, remembered to put them in an exotic location and then forgot to give them any heart whatsoever. This story cannot survive on us going "ooo nice shoes Samantha!", we have to like these people. Not only didn't I like them, I didn't recognise them. And the story does NOTHING! There is NO plot development. Awful awful awful.

Oh, and their empowering rendition of I Am Woman in a karaoke bar made me projectile vomit and my projectile vomit burned through the screen and it looked like the end of Inglourious Basterds.